Wishing for a do-over?

This has been an incredibly busy year so far.  One of the highlights so far is celebrating Victoria’s 7th birthday.  Geez! When did that happen? Seems like just yesterday, Lance and I were planning on moving to California only to discover that Logan was on his way and then Victoria.  Life just seems to happen.  There is nothing you can do to stop it or slow it down. All we can really do is our best to enjoy it.  I have typed and deleted about six times tonight as my mind is racing after an evening at work.  Yet another evening away from my kids. When I have my feeling down moments, I stop and think about how my life got to where it is today.  No where near where I planned, certainly not doing what I planned on doing for a living, still working nights and weekends and holidays and yeah, I wish I could have a do-over.  I wish that I had gotten into film school and moved to California, maybe I would have been sitting in the audience at the last OSCAR’s and hanging out with celebrities.  But then I look around me at the hand-drawn letters and pictures and the wrestling figures lying all over the floor and I realize that every step, every mis-step, lead me to this place right here.  No matter what dreams I had in my youth, the ONE constant that never wavered was that I wanted to be a mom.  Then, some might ask well if I am wishing, would I wish that fragile x had never entered our life? I don’t even like to answer that question.  What parent wouldn’t want their child to have the “perfect” life, the easy life but Logan didn’t get that option and you know what, its okay.  Everything happens for a reason.  Lying silently, undetected and unsuspected in my DNA, Fragile X was always there, I just didn’t know it.  Logan brought it to my attention.  Do I wish that he didn’t have to struggle? That he could tell me completely about his day, he could learn everything a second grader is supposed to be learning, that he could go outside and play football with his friends, and talk on the phone with his friends and…even have friends? yep but fragile x is what makes Logan….well, Logan.  Its was makes him who he is and who am I to try and wish that away.  Fragile x has even been somewhat of a blessing.  FX has made me who I am today.  Without it, I wouldn’t have met some of the most wonderful people that I know from all across the globe, not just in the fx world but parents of lots of “differently abled kids”.   I wouldn’t be an advocate, not just for Logan and FX but for anyone who needs it.  I wouldn’t have the Faith in God that I have today, I wouldn’t have the relationship with my parents that I have today.  So yea, life hasn’t turned out the way I had planned but you know what, its pretty darn good.  I have two beautiful children that I wouldn’t trade for anything in this world, I am married to a wonderful man who is an incredible father to my beautiful children.  So even if I never make as a writer, or teacher or any of those other wishes of my childhood, the best one did come true.  So, do I wish I could have a do-over? if its all or nothing, then nah, I am pretty good right now.  ImageImage

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